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closeScoop du jour: Exploring the what ifs in life
George Le Masurier
In my never-ending quest to make this column seem more intellectual and culturally relevant, I have decided to tackle some of the enduring questions that have tested the world’s greatest philosophers. These questions are neither ephemeral nor easily dismissed, and so today’s column takes on a sharply interrogative character.
What if the hokey-pokey really IS what it’s all about?
For starters, we could stop asking Alfie because clearly he never had a clue until the very end of the movie. Board meetings would instantly become more fun. Instead of boring charts and graphs, CEOs would demonstrate the proper way to put your right hand in and take your right hand out. Hezbollah and Jewish leaders would spin themselves about.
What if two wrongs really did make a right?
Our jails would be dramatically less crowded. The release of multiple offenders would create renewed demand for housing and threaten to once again drive up home prices. The state legislature would give new meaning to the three-strikes law.
What if money did grow on trees?
For a while, people with “green thumbs” would become rich and powerful, until the rest of us snuck onto their properties at night like packs of rabid raccoons and stripped their trees bare. Eventually, however, money would become worthless.
What if you really could drink like a fish?
This would not help you become an instant hit a parties. Fish don’t actually drink that much, but they do process oxygen from the water. This means you could plunge your head into a pitcher of beer and keep it there for hours. A fun party trick, but not really conducive to conversation.
If Jimmy cracked corn and nobody cared, why is there a song about him?
For the same reason people bought the Paris Hilton CD. If you figure it out, let the rest of us know.
What if someone actually went to hell and back in a hand basket?
While it sounds uncomfortable, scary and kind of hot on the tush, the benefits of such an experience might be worth the pain. First of all, they would make millions writing their memoirs. Secondly, they would have a profound effect on the world’s religions. By analyzing their list of whom they saw in hell, religious leaders could finely tune their advice for behavior in this life.
What if there was no rule of thumb?
The Rule of the Little Pinkie just doesn’t carry the same weight as a Rule of Thumb, and there are no rules for the third finger. This means people would have to rely on the Rule of the Index Finger, which seems a little too pointed, or the Rule of the Middle Finger, which would just plain get us into a lot of trouble.
What if all good things didn’t come to an end?
You would expect eternal bliss for everyone, but this would actually require the existence of parallel realities because the concept of “good” is by no means universal. Some people would like to remain in the 1950s forever while others might get stuck in a never-ending Duran Duran concert.
What if you could take it with you?
Unless you knew exactly where it was you were going, this would lead to troublesome packing problems.
What if there were no rhetorical questions?
This would presuppose that mankind had answers to all of its important questions, making this particular column trivial or, at least, unnecessary. Hey, wait a minute …